Life

3 Complaints for Tuesday

It’s the first day of real life after a long Memorial Day Weekend. Everyone is groggy and fueling up on coffee, and it’s a fine day to be a little more annoyed than usual. Here are my gripes this afternoon:

  1. Stop airbrushing your photos: The other people in your picture? They look normal. Your neck? That looks normal. But for some unknown reason, everything above your chin and below your hairline resembles whipped cream smoothed with a putty knife.Yes. You do look prettier. But  you’re not posting a picture of you, you’re posting a picture of a cartoon. You might as well wear a waist trainer under your shirt and tell everyone you’ve lost 10 pounds. It’s lame.
  2. Stop complaining about the “bennys”. The shore is the same every year, and if you’re so proud of being “local” then you already know how to avoid the most heinous spots: Spring Lake beach is less crowded than Belmar, you’re too old for Bar A and DJais anyway, and don’t take the GSP south on Fridays or north on Sundays. Move on.
  3. The Gorilla kid’s mom isn’t the devil: Children have the tendency to wander . Kids get distracted. You get distracted. Luckily more often than not, there aren’t any gorilla around to complicate things. It’s not impossible to imagine turning around for a second at the zoo only to find your son has wandered off. It’s bad that he happened to jump into a gorilla pit. It’s sad the gorilla died. But let’s take a step off the bandwagon. We don’t know enough to hang this lady over it. Plus, we always value human life over animals, even intelligent ones in zoos. And if you ever find yourself on the business end of a lion, or a bear, or a gorilla, you’ll be glad we do.