Cabinet Cooks · Ché's Guide

Che’s Guide To Domesticity: Cooking!

Hey ladies! Ready to take that plunge and become a woman? Well, don’t worry. I did that already. I have bright red lipstick on, curlers and a silky negligee draped over my soft shoulders because a real woman always looks good. I’m also drinking a Cosmo! How scandalous! 😉
The first step to being a domesticated woman is to get a house. Either marry the first man you kiss or be “independent”, stop shaving your legs and get a place of your own. Have you done that? Great! Now let’s move forward.
Everyone knows that a woman has to cook. Luckily for you, I’ve broken down what you need to know to save face and to make sure you stretch that 5% less you’re making than your male counterpart.

  1. Plan Ahead!

    So before you go shopping, look up what recipes you want to make that week. For instance, decide if you’re going to eat sandwiches. If you’re only eating sandwiches, buy a 1/2 pound of meat and cheese. If you’re only eating sandwiches a few times that week, buy a 1/4 pound! Also, invest in some tuna. That won’t go bad and it’ll keep you skinny. After you think about your sandwich consumption, choose another lunch option. Like a healthy salad. We are so prone to changing our minds, so two options are necessary. What do you want in your salad? Write it down! Now you won’t forget anything when you go to the store. Now, Google some dinner recipes. Lemon chicken? What do you want on the side? Don’t go crazy and buy lots of vegetables. Just choose two or three vegetables and use them in your salad and in your dinner. Wow, now you’re really being smart.

  2. Splurge Where It Counts!

    Are you cooking for one? Wow, you are? You do know you’re only getting uglier, right? Well, while you’re looking for a husband, be smart. Instead of buying potatoes and using one potato to make mashed potatoes every night, just get Country Crock potatoes! Now you have delicious mashed potatoes whenever you want them and you don’t have to feel silly smashing a single one. Plus, that never works. Also, buy the more expensive boneless, skinless chicken breast. You’ll get more and it’ll be tastier. Remember it’s lasting you ALL week.

  3. Portion, Portion, Portion!

    You’re only one person. And you’re probably also lazy. So, while the chicken is still soft, wrap it up in plastic wrap! Now you have the perfect size of frozen chicken to thaw out instead of having to thaw it all out and eat it super-fast. No one likes a lady who eats fast! This goes for veggies as well. You don’t need 2 onions and three cloves of garlic. You only need of each silly!

  4. Practice Makes Perfect!

    If you make a steak and it comes out leathery, you’re going to eat it and be kind of sad and probably call your mom and cry about how lonely you are. But, you can’t do that when you bring a suitor home. So, practice until you perfect it, and then move forward. No one will hang out with you if you’re serving wilted broccoli and overdone chicken. Yuck!

  5. Lastly, Never Stop Cooking!

    Are you frustrated? Just want to run to Taco Bell and eat your feelings away? Well don’t!

    Remember, you’re not making a lot of money as a switch operator and you’re spending the rest of your cash on clothes, probably. So skip the Taco Bell, go home, and cook some more. To make it easier, buy a few luxury items like refried beans and Uncle Ben’s Ready Made Rice. Now you’re hungry AND excited.

There are your rules. If you follow these you’ll be on your way to domesticity and one step closer to having a fulfilling relationship, because everything boils down to starting a family.

Ché's Guide · Entry Level

Ché’s Guide to Office Life: Telecommuting!

Congratulations. You got a job and then you did it. To reward you , your boss has decided to forego a raise and is instead allowing you to telecommute.

But, there’s a catch: If you fail at telecommuting, it will be taken away from you.

Luckily, this is easily avoidable by being good at telecommuting. To be good at telecommuting, do what I tell you to do.

#1: Clothes. Wear them!

One of the perks of working from home that people who don’t work from home always talk about is not having to change out of your pajamas. But being productive in slippers is a myth. No one actually does that. It sounds nice, but just try to wear sweatpants to do anything other than watch TV, eat Chinese food and nap. Unless television, snacks and napping are your job, you need to avoid these things. So, take a shower and get dressed. You don’t have to wear office clothes, but do look like a grown-up.

#2: Hairs. Shape them!

You don’t have to blow dry, gel or straighten your hair, but definitely do enough to it that if someone were to knock on your door, you wouldn’t be completely mortified by your appearance. The better you feel and more prepared you are for the day, the more ready you will be to work. Also, if you’re smart, you’ll use this as an opportunity to try a new hairstyle you otherwise wouldn’t have the guts or time to attempt on your way out the door.

#3: Morning foods. Eat them!

It’s hard to find the time to make breakfast before work. Taking advantage of the rare opportunity to relax and reflect over a hot plate of scrambledie-ambled eggs or waffles with strawberries sexily laid over them really does change the course of your whole day.

Other Tips: If you have the time, work out, go for a walk or meditate before working. You’ll be amazed at your sudden motivation to get things done. Also, I’ll be amazed if you actually find the time to do any of that.

#4: Work stuffs. Do them!

After showering, getting dressed, doing your style things and eating breakfast, it’s time to do what you came home to do: work. But first, you need to set up a workspace. If you sit on your couch and work, you’re likely to become distracted by the suction of your cushions or the faces on the television. Set up a patio office or sit near a window. If you have a desk, maybe use that, but you don’t have to. Do find a spot that is aesthetically pleasing, one that is hopefully nicer than the cubicle at your actual job place, and work there. Don’t sit in bed. Don’t lie on the sofa. Don’t take your laptop to the beach. Do enjoy yourself though.

5: Early birds. Be them!

This isn’t a requirement, but I suggest you start working a little bit earlier than usual, especially if you’re skipping out on a long commute. The perks for you are obvious; the earlier you start, the earlier you can be done. Finishing work early on a weekday will free you up to do other things you usually don’t get to do, like grabbing an early bird special or having your hair colored (yay!).

(before, no after)

Also, if you’re sending out e-mails at 8:00 in the morning or doing whatever it is you do for money, your boss will notice. Being on point when working from home can only make you look good, and in the end, looking good is what got you this sweet deal to begin with. If you keep it up, maybe you won’t ever have to go back to the office again.